The loudest.

The worst thing ever when I lost the strong me who is not easily to feel so down when insecurity hits me up. I lost that person. I'm confused. Where is that person? Why I can't handle this anymore? It is normal to feel insecure. Yes, it is me myself who compared the two things, that supposedly not to be compared. But why? 

I used to keep the word, "Don't beg. They will, if they want to". Huh. Sakit tau tak to have this feeling. To hate people with a funny reason, plus to hate myself because I'm hating people. Complicated, isn't? I'm just... worried. Why do I have to be afraid of being left? Know your worth dearself.. 

As time passes by, as our surrounding changes, as people come and go.. We are replaceable. I'm afraid in losing friend, again. 

Nahh, I know I will be okay :) And the best will stay. In shaa Allah

You know who you are ;)

Rasa beruntung sangat bila tarikh aku berlepas haritu, adalah tarikh dimana some of my friends are on their holidays. Yay! Even bila sampai sini, I can't always talk to my family. I can't because most of them are busy working and mak pun menjaga budak kecik busuk tu. Jadi, call pun seminggu sekali.
Well, there is a friend who always keep in touch with me. Timezone berbeza pun kitorg automatically adapt with it. Aku tidur awal, so that aku boleh bangun awal and where that one friend pun belum tidur sebab Malaysia masih awal untuk burung hantu hahaha. Now dia dah start busy with the university events, orang kuat katanya. Well, when you said you are on your way to your college, that's the time I realize that I am now really really have to walk alone.. I don't like saying this but..yeah macam tulah ceghitanya. Sedih tu ada lah sikit sebab lepasni tah bila boleh update semua benda kan. Tah bila boleh borak panjang lagi. Tah bila boleh borak hari-hari lagi. Takpa beb, thank you for your accompany.

I'm not sad because we can't talk everyday anymore, but I'm sad because I know I have to keep for a while for every story that I wanted to share with you. Lama pulak kena ingat adoiii hahaha be safe there my big brother! Aku tunggu kau sampai sini #iniserious #guatunggu

Be strong!

Genap 22 hari, aku tinggalkan apa yang menjadi kepunyaan aku. Sounds so negative, but this is also one of my dreams. Study abroad; checked!

Tapi tak semudah yang aku sangka. Aku sangkakan semuanya akan okay dgn syarat, be brave & confident! Tak weh, tak. Islamophobia adalah salah satu faktor yg besar, faktor yang menjadi penyebab aku rasa takut hidup di tempat orang. Tambah lagi, dah terjadi pada diri sendiri. Nak cerita dekat mak abah pun serba salah. Kalau aku ni pun dah takut, apatah lagi tahap kerisauan mak nanti. Taknak, nanti mak yang lebih lebih emosi. Taknak, nanti mak yang tak selera nak makan. Taknak, nanti mak yang sedih...

Kali ni, aku betul-betul rasa the feeling of faking a smile. If faking a smile while you're still in Malaysia, haha itu semua budak-budak. Faking a smile to a certain people, but still you have your families by your side to show your sadness. You still can see your family members physically. Sekarang? Rasa macam nak tergelak bila teringat perangai acah-acah emo masa dulu-dulu. Haha masatu kau ada keluarga disisi lagi wana! Sekarang "faking a smile" is very very very compulsory. Banyak sebab dia. Sebab nak jaga hati keluarga satu, yang kedua nak jaga hati diri sendiri. Kalau layan sangat perasaan homesick semua ni, jatuh kecundang la aku di tempat orang ni. Diri sendiri dah jatuh, apatah lagi nak harapkan kawan-kawan untuk membantu kita. Sebab tu aku cakap, faking a smile as to prevent making any more problems.

Takpa, walaupun masalah tetap masalah, sedaya upaya aku akan cuba pandang masalah ini satu benda yang positif. Masalah ni lah pengalaman aku, pengalaman yang bukan semua berpeluang untuk merasa. Aku nak hafal semua kisah hidup aku disini, so nanti bolehlah cerita dekat mak abah. Boleh cerita dekat saudara mara, seolah-olah aku dah mewakili mereka untuk merasai semua ini. :)

It's me who shoot for it, and it's me who break because of it.

It's a joke, but it breaks my heart

Until you know the truth.

Bukan obses, tapi aku tahu mesti ada hikmah kenapa Allah kurniakan aku perasaan mcm ni. Pasti ada hikmahNya. Untuk masa sekarang, memang semua aku nampak indah. Memang semua nampak menyeronokkan. Sampai aku terfikir, macam mana aku nak hadapi, kalau nanti.. Semua ni bukan takdir utk kita? Takut, takut sangat. Tapi takpa, Allah itu maha berkuasa. Dia takkan menduga hambaNya dgn sesuatu diluar kemampuan umatNya sendiri.

In shaa Allah.. Keep on praying. I'll always pray the best for us. May Allah bless us. Amen.. :)

Bukan lagi mimpi.

Alhamdulillah hampir 2 minggu menetap di tempat orang, di negara luar. Jauh daripada keluarga, jauh daripada budaya kita, jauh sangat...

Kepada mak & abah, jangan bersedih hati. Jangan menangis mak, jangan menangis bila mak teringatkan anak mak ni. Abah, jangan risau abah.. Adik sentiasa okay, asalkan mak & abah pun okay :)

Jangan rindu aku, bcs that doesn't help me at all to stay strong living here alone. Please.. All I need is your prayer. Tolong doakan kesejahteraan semua. Semoga semua dipermudahkan. In shaa Allah, kejayaan akan dibawa pulang bersama.

Tunggu adik balik, mak abah!

Not for the second time.

I know every arguments will lead to two possible consequences; either we are getting closer or we are drifting apart. Yet still.. It is the worst feeling ever.

Allah itu maha adil.

Katanya dunia ini sudah menjadi satu tempat persinggahan. Tapi kalau tiada siapa yang menyambut macam mana? Tiada siapa yang sudi memimpin tangan dan tarik untuk berdiri teguh semula, macam mana nak teruskan kehidupan?

Berat hati nak pergi bila dugaan datang bukan pada diri sendiri, tapi pada keluarga.

"Adik, kalau jadi apa-apa atau keadaan terdesak, bukalah akaun bank Abah tu. Guna password yang Abah sebut tadi".

Tiada satu perkataan pun yang dapat menyedapkan hati. Apabila ketua keluarga secara perlahan-lahan memindahkan tanggungjawabnya kepada anak-anak. Ini amanah. Amanah yang bakal dipikul seorang diri. Tak pernah lari dari pemikiran kalau bukan melibatkan kematian. Allahu.. Aku tahu dimana silap aku. Mungkin sebab itu Allah menduga aku seberat ini. Tapi aku sendiri pelik, kemana hilangnya iman yang kental dalam diri anak Abah ni?

Nothing feels right but I have to be positive. Itulah kata-kata yang menjadi semangat untuk aku bila berdiri lama menunggu di bahagian kecemasan. Menunggu giliran Abah untuk berjumpa doktor. Bersungguh-sungguh aku menahan air mata daripada keguguran. Sebab aku tak nak menyebabkan orang lain yang sedang mengumpul kekuatan pun kecundang juga. Lagi-lagi Emak. Who will be the strongest when everyone is falling down. I will. Adik akan terus menjadi kuat. Sebab itulah aku tak suka menjadi lemah, aku tak suka mengadu masalah aku pada orang lain. Rasa macam tak perlu sebab aku sepatutnya dapat menanggungnya sendiri dengan tabah. Tapi.. Sampai satu masa, aku perlukan seseorang juga. Seseorang yang sudi mendengar keluhan aku. Tak mengapa kalau tiada respon atau nasihat, asalkan aku tahu ada yang mendengarnya.

Do you feel the same?

Orang kata, mimpi itu permainan tidur. Tapi kalau dah mimpi orang yg sama banyak kali, tak bosan ke guna mainan yg sama? Haha.

Hmm.. It is always the same person appeared in my dream. Hey, are you okay there?

Uninvited stranger

Is it true that every love start with hate? Guess I have to agree with it, even I'm hardly wanna denying it.

I've been through the same stories like many times with different people. Or is it just me?

I hate people for no reason. I hate new people. I hate people that I know I'll be seeing them like everyday. I don't know why.

Hating people days by days until I have to convince my own heart. This is really painful, it is unbearable.

Why can't we just skip the hatred part? Why can't we just straight loving each other? Why do we have to waste our time, that soon we will realize that we are lack of sweet memories?

Or...

Is this just because of jealousy?

To wait or to stop?

Something that I've been wondering about,

"What will be the benefit..for those that always sacrifice their love to the person they love?"

I can't think of any positive reward, except for them ended up not marrying with any human in this world.

Because they are too kind giving the happiness they have been dreaming for.. 

Still a sad story of mine.

Since 6th July 2015, and now it is almost a year; like we've agreed to. 

I'm not giving up yet, my friend..

Regardless the highest risk I'm about to face, I'll do it. Atleast one day I can say it out loud "I've tried my best, I've done my part."

Someone keep asking me "Why are you still can't let it go?" Well, actually there are two choices. So I chose the second one. 

It's not because of I can't forget it, but I won't. 

It's not because of I'm weak, but I'm brave enough choosing the right path.

Because I've been through the same thing like many times. So why not I'm defending it this time? 

Let me give you the second chance.